Quick Change vs. Real Change
When we come to the realization that we are ready for change - whether that change is new leadership, a new job, or a new relationship - we go through a series of exercises.
We itemize the characteristics we don’t want to deal with anymore.
We imagine how we want to feel.
We open ourselves up to a variety of people.
We look for the people ‘like us’ to confirm our affinity.
We reconcile how much these people are (or are not) a context we want to fit into.
We decide.
In short, we invite the context of the other to dominate our thinking, and then we decide if we can fit into that context.
Context (noun): the circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea
Other (noun): one (such as another person) that is psychologically differentiated from the self
We do this because we are conditioned to believe that changing our context will allow us to access a different experience - one with more joy, more equity, more resources, or more support. We do this because there is something quite satisfying about deductive reasoning! And we do this because it is - generally speaking - efficient. It is the fastest way to change our context, at a structural level.
But we inevitably experience disappointment or disillusionment over time, when we realize that our new leader, new employer, or new partner isn’t really looking out for us the way we’d expected or hoped.
Does this mean the series of exercises we went through was somehow flawed? No.
The disappointment or disillusionment happens when we give the context of the other too much power, and we neglect the importance of our own agency.
So, as we await the results of an historic election in the United States of America - the ultimate example of change - here are some things we must remember.
The next administration will not be wholly responsible for changing America. You are.
Your next employer will not be wholly responsible for your professional success. You are.
Your next partner will not be wholly responsible for your happiness. You are.
No matter the change that unfolds this week (or this month) keep checking in and ask yourself:
Independent of context, who am I?
Independent of context, who do I want to be?
Independent of context, how am I willing to show up?
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